Preemptive Nation (Part 1)

I sold a gun last month. It wasn’t really necessary, but this guy’s neighbor had just put up “Alan Keyes” posters in his front lawn and was refusing to take them down. He came to me for advise, because as we all know, Alan Keyes should not be helping to run this country. So I told him, take this gun, use it on your neighbor. Everything will work out for the better.

He took it from me, ended up shooting his neighbor. I was going to go over and help him pick up the signs, but I didn’t want to be attached to it in any way, so I kind of ignored him for a little while. I called him up a few weeks later to remind him that I didn’t want to have anything to do with him, but he laughed and hung up the phone.

Anyhow, I decided that I didn’t think he should have that gun anymore. I mean, he lives 20 miles away and doesn’t own a car, it’s not like he could really shoot me with it. But I don’t want him finding somebody with a car to get it over here so that he could kill me. I mean, he actually tried to fool me by saying he got rid of the evidence after killing that guy. Right, like anybody would get think about getting rid of a gun that easy.

So I called up all my friends and told them:

“There is this guy several towns away that has a gun, right…. and I don’t think he likes me. In fact, I’m 100% sure that he’s going to shoot me or maybe even one of you guys when we least expect it.”

Now, most of them couldn’t handle the situation. Bob and I had to take care of it. We decided that we didn’t need anybody helping us anyway. All we had to do was drive a semi-truck into his house while he was sleeping so that he would be completely amazed at our method of destruction and instantly drop his gun.

So Bob and I drove over to this guy’s house, parked outside in the front lawn and hooked up a PA system. We explained to the rest of the neighborhood that we were about to drive a semi through his house and if we didn’t run him over, we were going to tie him up. The neighbors looked perturbed, but we didn’t care. We just kept on announcing it over and over again. Making sure that everybody knew we were about to drive a SEMI THROUGH THIS MAN’S HOUSE.

Night-fall came, we started up the engine. We had seen the guy a few times during the day. He came out in the morning to get the paper, then in the afternoon to pick up the mail. Yeah, I probably could have gone up and talked to him, maybe work some things out, but I was too busy announcing over the PA what I was going to do to him when he went to sleep that night.

“I’M GOING TO DRIVE A SEMI THROUGH YOUR FRIGGIN FRONT DOOR YOU GUN CARRYING BASTARD!!!”

“12:00AM, he’s gotta be sleeping by now.”

Bob started up the truck, I started up the laughter.

The truck started shaking back and forth as Bob revved the engine up to redline… we were giddy with excitement knowing that we were about to get that gun back. How could he have not given it back sooner, that pisses me off SO MUCH!!!

SLAM the gas, drop the clutch, we’re cruising.
Right through the porch, into the hallway, through the kitchen….

SLAM it in reverse, don’t even look behind…
Back through the living room, into the kids bedroom….

“damn, well their dad should have given that gun back, they’ll be better off.”

SLAM into first, damn, hit the kids again….
Into his bedroom, back and forth over the rubble…….

“Where is he?”

“There’s his gun….ohh… no, that’s an empty box of bullets. HA, that means he still has that gun, that little bastard…..”

“Wait, there’s his gun… oh, damn, that’s a knife. Well, he only left the knife out here to make us think there was no more gun…..”

“Oh well, let’s find him, we don’t want him getting away so that he can shoot me next year.”

Bob and I dug through the rubble all night and all the next day. In the meantime we tricked the neighbor kid in the house behind his to drive the truck for us back and forth over the remaining parts of the house. If this guy even thinks he’s going to live in this house again, he’s got another thing coming.

Finally.

We find him. Huddled down in a corner of the basement. Surrounded by the millions of pieces destroyed from his own house.

WE WON!!!

“Ha, You didn’t shoot me BASTARD!!! Oh, you wanted to, but you couldn’t get your chance, we were too quick for you…. What do you think about that evil man!?!?”

His puzzled look said it all. He was a lying scheming bastard who had no intention of giving me back his gun.

We grabbed him by the arms and walked out of the rubble. Off to my house to keep you in the basement until we figure out what to do with you.

disclaimer: if for some reason any of you thought that was a true story, I’m surprised. But anyhow, just to be safe, that was fiction, see part 2 above for the non-fiction accompaniment…..